Identity in Motherhood – You Are Still Here
Becoming a mother is not only a change in your life, but also in who you are.
And that can be quite confusing at times. Maybe you miss your old self, or you wonder where your wishes and dreams have gone. You are still you – but sometimes that feels far away. In this blog I will take you through what actually happens to your identity when you become a mother, and how you can make room for yourself, in addition to all the roles you fulfill.
The Identity Change After Becoming a Mother
When I became a mother, I felt my life change – but so did I. My days were filled with caring, feeding, comforting and organizing. And somewhere I thought: Is this it? Where have I gone?
The things that used to give me energy suddenly seemed unattainable. Sometimes I felt intensely happy, and yet... a little lost.
Not because I didn't love motherhood. But because I suddenly had to be someone else, while I hadn't completely let go of myself.
Why It Can Feel So Confusing
It was only later that I discovered the word matrescence – the transition to motherhood, just as puberty is the transition to adulthood. It is a mental, physical and emotional transformation.
But no one talks about it. And so you quickly think that it is your fault, that you should just forget your 'old self'. While in reality there is a whole inner journey taking place.
You feel torn between who you were, who you think you should be, and who you actually are. That's not crazy - that's growth.
..and then in the morning, first thing in the morning, you wonder if that was a good idea
How to Make Space for Yourself
What helps me is giving myself permission. To not only be a mother, but also a woman. And a human being. And myself.
I try to find a little space every day. For silence. For creativity. For something that is just mine. Sometimes that is a walk. Sometimes that is just sitting without having to do anything. Sometimes it is just a night out with friends and then in the morning, first thing in the morning, wondering if that was a good idea.
I am also learning to be gentler with myself. Less demanding. More gentle. And most of all: remembering that I did not disappear when I became a mother. I changed. And that is okay.
It makes it easier for me to make decisions when I have a clear idea of what I find important. Sometimes that sounds so simple, but are you really still aware of that? What did you like before you became a mother? What gives you energy at the moment? What costs you energy? How do you recharge? Who are the people in your life and what role do they play? Defining your values is something you really have to sit down for. Starting from those values and giving priority to the people who play a clear role for you is the first step. Do you no longer do anything you like? Do you let old friendships bleed to death? No, there really is a nuance in that. But deciding where your energy goes and where your boundaries lie is part of that.
You Are Still Here
Maybe you recognize this. Maybe you are in the middle of it.
Know then: you are not alone. And you are still here. Even though it feels different, even though your life has changed – you are not gone.
Identity in motherhood doesn’t mean losing yourself. It means making room for who you are becoming. And you can do it at your own pace.
